Debra Childs

(Submitted this online as I came down with the flu and could not attend in person.) Hello. My name is Debra Childs, and I’m here speaking in strong support of HB 1323 to define and recognize Parental Alienation in NH statutes. I am here as a child of divorce. As a mother. As an alienated grandmother. And as someone who works every single day with families living through the devastation of parental alienation. I could share with you my experience as a child and how I still recall some of the hurtful words exchanged during my own parent’s contentious divorce. Explain how I went from a straight A student to a teenager with few goals who turned to drinking for comfort. Explain how I fell into one of the common statistics for children of divorce, and I became pregnant at the age of 16. I could share with you how I am still affected today or how my older brother, during the divorce and to this very day, has alienated himself from our whole family. I could tell you about my granddaughter being kept from her dad and paternal family for months. Or about watching her at just a year old scream for her daddy as he had to walk away because of a court order. I could tell you about sitting in the truck with my son as he cried. Helpless. A grieving, alienated father, who was both personally and academically educated on the impacts of alienation but couldn’t do anything to protect his little girl. That is what parental alienation looks like in real life. If you have not been personally impacted as a child or an adult, it is difficult to imagine. Difficult to imagine having your child taken from you or turned against you. Difficult to imagine a parent doing such a thing. But, what I can tell you is that whatever pain you can imagine from hearing our stories today, it is a million times worse than that. In 2014, I co-founded an organization called Time to Put Kids First helping families going through separation, divorce and child custody. Our organization is in every U.S. state and in over 67 countries. In only 4 years, we served nearly 80,000 families. The issue is common and widespread. I work with victims of parental alienation every day. Parental alienation is not rare. It is not fringe. It is not anecdotal. It is emotional and psychological maltreatment. It is the manipulation of a child resulting in their unwarranted hatred, fear or hostility. It takes advantage of the suggestibility, naivety, and the dependency of children, while depriving them of their right to freely love and be loved by both of their parents and both sides of their family. It generally occurs when one parent talks negatively about the other in front of the children, when a child is encouraged to disrespect a parent, made to fear or hate them, or when a parent withholds a child from the other parent. Those are just examples. And, there are, of course, varying degrees. Though, the impact is deep and long lasting. Imagine how this manipulation changes a child. From an early age, when they are developing their sense of trust, security and safety, they are being coached to not trust, not feel secure and not feel safe in the presence of someone they love. Now, I have to believe that the majority of cases are unintentional, and we can resolve this through research, awareness and education. But today, we have a serious problem: There is no consistent definition. There is no consistent recognition. And therefore, there is no consistent intervention. Though, with few experts in the field, and an unclear definition, diagnosis and treatment is extremely difficult. In fact, children who are manipulated by one parent often form a close, but unhealthy allegiance to the offending parent. It’s similar to how abducted children identify with their tormentors and want to maintain a relationship with them, however abusive that relationship may be. This manipulation may not be recognized by family court affiliates or even experienced child psychologists. Further, where most of us as citizens are comfortable reporting or intervening in cases of physical abuse, we’re not comfortable and do not intervene in cases of emotional and psychological abuse, even though the effects last a lifetime. This is why recognizing parental alienation is so critical. The impact is great. Child outcomes include low self-esteem, self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, to name a few. I can attest to this from my personal experience as a child of divorce, a single mother and from my academic and professional experience. I believe it goes without saying how this impacts our communities and our great state. Across the country, we have an increase in mental health issues, an increase in homelessness, a drug epidemic, and youth suicide is a surging crisis in the state of NH. For those who attended the law school for legislators last month, you likely noticed that the judges in attendance used the term parental alienation on a few occasions. But no definition exists. HB 1323 gives us something we desperately need: clarity. A clear definition. Clear judicial tools. And clear acknowledgment that parental alienation is harmful to children and must be taken seriously. This bill gives me hope. Hope that fewer children will grow up questioning their worth. Hope that fewer parents will grieve living children. Hope that New Hampshire will lead with courage, compassion, and common sense. Thank you for the opportunity to speak in support of HB 1323. (Note: there is one minor numbering suggestion I made under separate cover to the chair.)